Thursday, September 14, 2006
suddenly i crave alcohol just to drain and flood myself, to drown myself. i'm screwed. and stupid explorer, not working just because it is some ah! forget it! prelims, and i've done nothing, i'm dog beaten, and hellish. i just dun understand my life nor my purpose, i so desperately, wann to love and protect, in the end, i hurt and destory, why? i knw i am incompetent, feeling inferior nonetheless. i dream and wish, day and night, to love but i screwed myself, upside down, inside out, stupidity fills me, god knows why. cursade me, perhaps then, i will feel better, if you ask, i wan to go hell, i dun wann to to go heaven, its not a place for me, more like i'm not for that place. not here, neither up nor down, where then am i to be? i love you, but so? isit my fault that she doesn't like me? isit my fault that she is against me? no? yes? maybe? maybe no? i dunno. but i knw, you are the one i love and yes, loving you is my fault. can one do me a favour? cut my heart out and i dunno. just do sth to my emotional haiix... i'm tired, when then will you...nvm, its just me anyways. haiix...quarrels, and if you ask me, i don't deny that its almost practically always my fault, but i'm really tired, i wish to be the perfect one of whom really love, but can i? i am never good enough, and am aware. life doesn't sucks it is how one live it and do to it that deters if it suck or it doesn't, as for me, i'm nothing more than a sucker, perhaps less, but never more. which hence, moi life sucks. because of you, it did brighten up alil, but still it gets darker, gloomier, senseless whenever you are against me. but why? perhaps, i've found not one whom i can live with, but one whom i cannot live without. or perhaps, you are my life, so much that you are the air of which i breathe. i'm confused, and i don't feel that i am in any condition to do anything, wish to be left alone, yet wan to be with you. i suck, my life too suck, a scum, its wht you can call me. sorrie.
